self improvement – Half-Blood Kuwaiti

You’re Not Spiritual, You’re Just an Asshole

Ten years ago, if I had met someone who told me they were on a spiritual journey, I would have been enthralled. Now, I’m more likely to run the other way. It’s not that I hate spirituality. I think it’s amazing. I even follow @theholisticpsychologist, although sometimes I wish I didn’t. It’s just that when I think of a spiritual person, I think of someone humble, deep, and capable of experiencing life on a whole different level. What I usually get is someone who hates their father and is too busy finding themselves to commit to lunch plans.

It just seems like spirituality has become a trend, and while a helpful philosophy becoming popular should be a good thing, that tends to not be what happens. Whenever something becomes mainstream, it automatically loses a lot of its nuance. It has to in order to be accessible to average people who haven’t looked at the subject in depth and probably aren’t interested in making radical changes to their lives. Susan who practices five minutes of daily mindfulness wants to reduce her anxiety, not find the source of all human suffering.

It’s not bad to simplify concepts to help a normal person live a better life. But we have to be careful. While we acknowledge that religion can easily be misused or misapplied, spirituality isn’t regarded with the same suspicion (despite spawning its own fair share of sexual predators).

One of the first problems with the current discourse around self-help and spirituality is that the same messages are being sent to very different people, who may not have enough self-awareness to determine what applies to them and what doesn’t. There is a lot of focus on being yourself, saying no, and not being responsible for other people’s feelings. That’s exactly what some people need to hear. However, it’s not as many people as you might think, despite the vast number who will tell you their toxic trait is “being too nice.” After all, the problems in our lives tend not to be caused by having too many unselfish people around us. Many people would benefit from being less self-centered—being encouraged to help others and think less about their own desires. When only the first message is circulated, everyone picks it up, and what happens is much like when a narcissist or psychopath sees a therapist. They don’t change, they just learn how to dress up their self-centered behavior in fancy words that make it harder for others to argue with. Disagree with someone like this and expect it to be labeled gaslighting, shutting down all further discussion because a difference of opinion is now a psychological manipulation tactic. Expect a certain standard of behavior from them, and you will be treated like you’re codependent, trying to change them, or too attached to whatever aspect of the conventional world best dismisses your point. To the toxic woke person, the only emotionally healthy people are those who don’t ask anything of them.

The second big problem is that the spiritual quest is often seen as seeking your authentic self, but what gets left out is that the authentic self in a spiritual sense is the part of you that is closest to God or a higher power. It’s not your personality or anything we mean by the self in the usual context. Monks and nuns sometimes practice cultivating an inner and outer silence in order to more clearly hear the voice of God in their heads. You probably know the voice they’re referring to even if you wouldn’t describe it as God. Essentially, the personality needs to be subdued for the higher self to emerge. This means abandoning your ego and surrendering to something greater than yourself. When this distinction about the meaning of the true self is lost and you remove the connection to some type of higher power, even if it’s just the universe, the result is a radical change in purpose. The end goal becomes you and figuring out what you want. But the destination at the end of the journey should not be you. It should be letting go of you.

This isn’t because it makes you a better person or more pleasant to be around, although it does both of those things. It’s because this is how spirituality will make you happier in the end. The person who goes for a walk in the woods or sits by the ocean and feels lighter and freer feels that way because they’ve been reminded of how unimportant their own worries are compared to the vastness of the universe. They feel small and insignificant, but not in a bad way, because they are also a part of the world that has just left them wonderstruck. This person has just let go of a bit of their ego and felt connected to something more important.

These are the things that bring a person peace–connection to something more, seeing our problems with perspective, feeling that we bring something of value to the world, loving and being loved, and being in control of ourselves. None of these things are easy, but any path towards fulfillment that doesn’t include them is going to be incomplete.

For some reason, spirituality has a reputation for being Religion Lite—all the fuzzy feelings associated with it without the annoying parts. No rules, only vibes. In reality, spirituality is the purpose behind the rules of religion. In his book The Perennial Philosophy, Aldous Huxley discusses the concepts all religions have in common, and it’s not things like having one god or respecting your parents. It’s that rules and spiritual practices like praying and fasting are designed with the goal of diminishing your ego so that you submit to the will of God. All religions are meant to achieve this. People would rather argue about what the rules are or whose rules are better than look at the big picture, which is that the rules are there to teach you discipline. This matters more than the rules themselves.

I don’t say this to glorify religion. I just say it to illustrate that the idea of the spiritual path being easier than the religious one is based on a misunderstanding. Spirituality is the ultimate goal of religion and choosing it means taking responsibility for your own development instead engaging in rituals mindlessly. This is actually harder than just being religious. The spiritual person prays because they know it’s good for them. The religious person prays because they think God will punish them. For most people, threats are much more effective.

Spirituality that brings you only to yourself and your desires isn’t real. Any philosophy that results in you focusing on your own feelings all the time isn’t going to make you a better person. It can be necessary somewhere along your path to go through a period of self-absorption, but the purpose of understanding your trauma and emotions isn’t so that you can indulge them—it’s so that you overcome them. The next step should be moving forward.

If that next step isn’t reached, if the goal is focusing on the self for its own sake, you will get the problems we see around us. People will break commitments because being authentic to their (passing) feelings takes precedence. They will mis-interpret self-acceptance as an excuse to never grow, and a reason why no one should ever criticize them. Boundaries will be set from a place of avoidance instead of courage. You might have met examples of this in real life, perhaps in friends who think they should never be uncomfortable, or men who tell you how unenlightened you are when you ask them to stop sleeping with other people.

This type of spirituality involves avoiding discomfort rather than facing it, except perhaps the discomfort in cutting off relatives who vote Republican. I think we should bring back the type of spirituality people have to suffer for. What happened to meditating forty days under a tree, giving up your worldly possessions, or taking a vow of silence? Some monks clean as a form of meditation. In certain convents nuns are not allowed to look at themselves in the mirror to discourage vanity. Most people now would say, “There’s no real point to doing these things,” not understanding that the whole point is that it’s difficult. Doing hard things changes you, or at least teaches you something. I don’t believe you need to go to these lengths to develop a beneficial level of spirituality in your life, but if I’m going to be taking advice from someone, I’d rather take it from the person who spent a year challenging themselves than the person who spent a year doing whatever they wanted.

Human beings are better off when they don’t make themselves their own gods, usually because they aren’t very good at it. Much like children, we are happier with limits than when we follow our every whim. Relying on a consistent set of principles frees you from the burden of constantly evaluating your inner state to determine what to do next. And understanding how little we can control, even about our own futures, puts us in the frame of mind to accept what happens with grace. Religious people are often happier because they have given up the burden of believing they are the ultimate authority on their lives. Whatever is planned for them may be what’s best, even if it isn’t what they thought they wanted.

In the end, the easy way out is never real. Selfish people will always find a way to continue being selfish if they want to, so perhaps blaming it on poorly explained spirituality isn’t going to change them. But maybe looking at a more nuanced perspective will help the people who encounter them. Don’t be impressed or guilted when someone hits you with words that could have been picked up from the explore page of Instagram. Instead look at their actions. Is their life a good example of strong values? Has their brand of spirituality changed them for the better? Perhaps more importantly, has it affected the people around them positively? If not, smile, nod, and run the other way. The wolf who admits he is a wolf can be dealt with. The wolf who believes himself to be a sheep is impossible.

Why You Need to Beat Your SmartPhone Addiction

We live in an era marked by addiction, whether it be to opioids, pornography, Instagram likes, or plastic surgery. We view addicts as outliers, and characterize addiction as an illness. But what about the most common addiction of all—smartphone addiction?

No one is shocked if you announce you’re addicted to your phone. If anything, it’s more shocking to not be addicted to your phone. We accept it as a fact of life, something that everyone tries to fight but inevitably fails at. It’s easier to ignore than other addictions because the effects aren’t as dire as drugs or alcohol, so fewer people hit a rock bottom that forces them to change. Parents don’t campaign in the streets after losing their child to an iPhone. But that doesn’t make the issue less serious—it makes it insidious, slowing taking over our lives before we know what’s happened to us.

The statistics paint a disturbing picture. The average American smartphone user spends 5 hours and 24 minutes each day on their phone, checking it once every ten minutes. Phone time increased 39.3% from 2019 to 2022 and continues to rise. While some phone usage is increasing because it replaces other technology (for example, people now spend more time on their phone than they do watching TV), the addictive nature of the phone leads to more screen time overall. People now use their phone to browse the internet more than a computer. In 2011, average internet usage was 43 minutes on a computer and 32 minutes on a mobile phone. In 2021, the average on a computer was 37 minutes. A slight decrease, but phone internet access increased to a whopping 2 hours and 35 minutes. So, while people use computers and T.V. less now, what’s really happening is all of this screen time and much, much more is being done on their phones instead.

But how concerned should we be by these figures? Technology in and of itself isn’t bad; on the contrary, it’s usually very good. If people 100 years ago were told they would be able to access all the world’s knowledge from a device in their pocket quickly and easily, they would be hard-pressed to imagine any downsides. (And if they did come up with some, they probably wouldn’t have been the ones we’ve ended up dealing with.)

Unfortunately, the data on the effects of screen time is worse than most people realize. Brain scans show being addicted to a screen literally changes the structure of your brain, diminishing grey matter in parts of the brain responsible for cognitive abilities like long-term planning and impulse control. Children exposed to more than two hours of screen time per day (the recommended safe maximum) “score lower on language and thinking tests.” Not only that, research has linked language delays in young children to screen time, with every half-hour of additional screen time resulting in a 49% increased risk of having a delay. Perhaps some of the most damning evidence against devices and children is that iPhone inventor Steve Jobs would not let his children use iPads because of their addictive nature.

But what about adults? While some of the highest developmental risks are for children and babies with high screen time, adults are still affected negatively. Screen time negatively impacts sleep, mental health, and attention span. Not only that, time spent in front of a computer is time not spent doing something more beneficial, which is why high screen time correlates with less time spent outdoors, exercising, or socializing.

Smartphones are designed to constantly trigger dopamine, the hormone of motivation, which in turn leads to addiction. Addiction is inherently harmful because it diminishes your ability to enjoy time not spent on the addiction. Social media feels more rewarding than real socializing because it’s found a way to turn validation into neat, exciting dopamine triggers—notifications. Real-life doesn’t offer quick rewards, and we end up with shortened attention spans because we’re unable to delay gratification long enough to focus on anything challenging. Because of the way technology hijacks your brain’s reward/motivation center, overuse can lead to ADHD-like symptoms. Children with increased screen time have a 7.7 times higher chance of exhibiting ADHD symptoms, and anecdotal evidence shows adults who “dopamine detox” can radically improve their ability to focus and stay motivated to complete difficult tasks. While some research suggests that screen time does not cause these issues but instead is more likely to be used by people with ADHD, this only reveals another sinister side effect of technology: The most vulnerable are the most susceptible to being harmed by it.

All forms of addiction are related to a difficulty being present with your current reality. Life feels like too much to handle without something to soften its blows. “The world looks so dirty to me when I’m not drinking,” Kirsten Clay says in The Days of Wine and Roses. Any addict can relate to that statement. If their addiction were lifted out of their life, a big, frightening hole would remain in its place. Even when your drug of choice is your phone, life without it feels like a depressing and scary prospect. You are left without anything to save you when you feel bored, lonely, or sad. You have no safety net to help you numb yourself or unwind when things get bad. No more entertainment or satisfaction without putting in effort. It’s like taking a pacifier away from a baby.

Giving up an addiction might be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, especially when it’s something you can’t cut out of your life completely. But it’s definitely not impossible. Instead of trying to shame yourself into using your phone less, use the following tips to develop a strategy to get your screen time down to a healthy amount.

1. Prepare substitutes.

Nature abhors a vacuum. You can’t remove screen time and put nothing else in its place. You need alternative forms of entertainment, and you need to make them as easy to access as possible. Buy books, take up a hobby, or try watching a movie. Even though it’s still screen time, it doesn’t fracture your attention span the same way. When you’re waiting somewhere with nothing to do, bring out a book or a magazine, or even some knitting. The key is to make this as enjoyable as possible. Now is not the time to force yourself to read Shakespeare. If you like romance novels or Cosmopolitan magazine, read those. If use your phone to look at Instagram or Pinterest, look at books full of photographs on whatever topic you’re interested in. Start with something easy for you to get into and make it available.

2. Fill your time with something else.

People naturally use their phone less when they participate in activities that engage their interest. Many people notice a sharp decrease in screen time when they travel. Make yourself busier, and you’ll naturally be less tempted to use your phone. Think about what you’d like to spend your free time doing and find ways to put these things in your schedule. For people who are heavily addicted and likely to cancel plans or activities to stay home with their screen of choice, find ways to hold yourself accountable. Involve a friend in your plans, book an activity in advance that you have to pay for, or at least change the scenery. Going to a different location can give you the push you need to focus on something else.

3. Physically make your phone harder to reach.

When screen time is over, put your phone in a box across the room. Yes, you can still walk over there and get it, but people are lazy, and it also gives you an extra 30 seconds to think about whether getting your phone is really the decision you want to make right now.

4. Use different hacks to make your phone less enjoyable.

Some people put switch their phone to grayscale (in Accessibility settings), finding it takes the joy out of using it. Others use a variety of screen time limiting apps that can ban you from accessing different apps after a time limit has been reached. Think carefully about how you use your phone, and delete apps that are the biggest offenders—the ones that waste your time without providing any real value to you. You may not want to deactivate social media entirely, but deleting the apps on your phone and using them on your computer instead can help you reduce the time you spend on them. First, computers aren’t as addictive, and second, you can’t take them out every 10 minutes. This can be a good compromise for people who feel terrified by the idea of not using social media completely.

5. Be intentional about your usage.

Your phone can be an amazing tool, and it would be a shame to stop using it completely. Don’t aim for that—aim to make your screen time count. Every time you pick up your phone, set an intention for what you’re going to be using it for. This can help reduce mindless scrolling. You can also arrange for designated phone times after completing tasks throughout your day as a reward. This reinforces your ability to delay gratification and makes the actual time spent on the phone more satisfying. During a period where you don’t touch your phone, you can write down random things you want to look up or do on your phone on a notepad instead of actually doing them. Then, you have a list of tasks to help you stay on track when the phone comes out.

6. Use more technology.

It might seem counterintuitive, but using the right technology can help you use technology less, just like how aimless browsing is reduced on a laptop. Many people report that having an Apple Watch or other smart watch helps them reduce their screen time because they can check their notifications without going into their phone. Smart watches are designed to be functional, not addictive. They allow you to leave your phone out of sight without worrying that you missed an important phone call or message.

7. Schedule your time.

Many people get sucked into their phone and lose track of time. Some of the people most negatively affected by phone addiction struggle with some level of time blindness (often a symptom of ADHD). Many people struggle to calculate and visualize time the way their more punctual, organized counterparts do. Shaming yourself to be better tends to only make things worse, so instead tackle the issue in a productive way. Find ways to make time more visible to you. Set screen time reminders or task reminders on your phone. Create a schedule for your day to help you avoid spending hours on your phone, possibly using Google Calendar, which will keep you on task by sending reminders to your phone. Many people simply make to-do lists, which is not effective because it still leaves it up to you to decide when everything must be done. Reduce the number of choices you need to make on the spot, because more often than not, you’ll choose whatever lets you stay on your phone longer.

8. Remember that the real world is not in your phone.

The more time we spend on our devices, the more the world inside of them starts to feel like reality. It can be hard to reduce social media because of FOMO. But the truth is, the only people who are missing out are those who spend their time on their phone instead of engaging with life. Your phone is not real. Images on Instagram are not real. The lives people project on social media are not real. The people who cancel celebrities on Twitter are just flawed human beings in real life who would probably get cancelled themselves if all their private business was aired. The way people act online isn’t even how they act in person. It’s all an illusion. Your physical health, mental health, productivity, and motivation are not worth sacrificing for an illusion.

Technology is a tool that gives us unparalleled opportunities, but with that comes opportunities to abuse and misuse it as well. It can be hard to see just how much we are now capable of achieving because our brains are not evolved to handle the complexities of modern life, but we live in a time where it is truly possible to become whatever you want to be. But the first step to all of this is freeing yourself from addiction.

How To Pick The Perfect Toxic Boyfriend For You

I wanted to make the title gender neutral, but it wasn’t as catchy. I guess complaining about men just has a certain ring to it that’s hard to replicate.

That’s actually not my intention here at all, though. Everyone can be toxic; I’m just writing from my perspective because it’s easier for me. And this post is not about how horrible your boyfriend is. He may very well be pretty bad, but that’s an essay (or book) for you to write. My point is this: Someone else’s toxic behavior is not your fault, but emotionally healthy people don’t accept chronic mistreatment in a romantic relationship.

Are you emotionally healthy? Probably not. Do you want to fix that? Eh, maybe in theory. But on an unconscious level, that’s probably your worst nightmare! This fascinating video first opened my eyes to the idea that we purposely seek out toxic relationships so that we can blame something external for the pain we feel inside of us. The pain was always there, but now we don’t have to take responsibility for it. I don’t know about you, but that seems like the perfect arrangement to never face any of my own issues again.

On the other hand, going through one of the relationships detailed below is a great way to make literally everything else less frightening in comparison. Therapy, loneliness, and acknowledging your mother may have been right about you are usually terrifying prospects. But like most unpleasant things, they’re still much better than dating a psycho.

So, whether you want to remain in denial or seek out pain for the purposes of growth, keep reading. I will help you find the man who perfectly complements your own issues.

The Sadist (And Not In A Good Way)

This man has a diminished capacity for empathy. He would never describe himself as cruel, but when someone lets their feelings take precedence over everything else, cruelty is often the result. He probably prides himself on being brutally honest and having high standards. You will never live up to them. Eventually you will realize that he doesn’t live up to them either. He thinks it’s sweet when you give up things that make you happy because this means you really love him. His love language is blood and tears. But only yours.

He’s perfect for you if you have a victim complex. His behavior will fuel hours of complaints like, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” and, “I’m so nice to him but he doesn’t appreciate me!” Eventually you and your friends will conclude that you just care too much. You’re just too nice. No one will suggest that this is actually a deep-seated issue and that you fear you have nothing to offer in a healthy relationship where both people are nice, or, God forbid, the other person is actually nicer than you. Cue Identity Crisis.

In general, deciding your problem is that you care too much is not adequate self-reflection. It’s like saying you’re a perfectionist when they ask you about your weaknesses in a job interview. It’s more likely your problem is that you really need to believe you care too much.

The Overgrown Baby

This delight needs far more attention than the average adult. He doesn’t just expect you to be his mother, but maybe his father too. You’ll shop for him, make sure he eats properly, and smother him to the point where any normal person would run. He is the college boyfriend who always gets you to do his homework. Some babies even expect you to take care of them financially. If that’s the case, congratulations. You have found a grade-A baby.

He’s perfect for you if you have a void in your life and would rather fill it with a person than meaningful goals. He’s basically a part or full-time job, so you will never feel aimless again. He’s also great if you completely lack self-esteem and believe all you have to offer others is favors. This man needs you, which is perfect because you don’t trust someone to simply want you. Your love language is acts of service. But only your own.

Some of the same points above apply here as well. You don’t care too much, you just care too little about yourself.

The Unavailable Man

He may not be someone you actually date. You might just stalk him a lot from a distance and feel like that constitutes a kind of relationship. He could also be the commitment-phobe you never tie down or have a significant other that he cheats on with you. Bonus points if he’s married. It’s difficult to describe this man in detail because his defining trait is that you don’t really know what he’s like in a committed relationship. He’s unwilling to give that to you. He might happily give that to someone else. Just not you.

He’s perfect if you have a deep-seated fear of vulnerability. By never being available, he allows you to convince yourself that if he were, you would have no commitment issues of your own. You’re just waiting for the love of your life to come around, and then everything will be perfect. In reality, if you genuinely wanted a relationship, you wouldn’t waste your energy on someone out of reach. But you don’t. You want a fantasy because it’s safer. Your love language is lying to yourself.

The Loser

This man may not really be a bad guy, but in the eyes of whatever society you’re in, he’s not a success. He disappoints your parents, gets sucked into pyramid schemes, and makes unfortunate hairstyle choices. His mother thinks he has a lot of potential and hopes you will be the girl who inspires him to live up to it.

He’s perfect if you’re desperate. You just want a man, any man, even one with questionable personal hygiene. Anything is better than being alone. If this is your case, I suggest you go for someone unfairly considered a loser. Give chances to the ugly, the mentally impaired, or the homeless. But even if there is nothing really wrong with the man, he is defined by the fact that deep down, you feel like he is beneath you. And you prefer it that way because he is less likely to leave you.

In an ironic twist of events, dating you may raise his self-esteem and inspire him to upgrade. Your love language is fruitless attempts to control.

This is not an exhaustive guide to toxic men. That is impossible because new ones are being born every minute. If you don’t find your issues here, please feel free to explain them in the comments. I hope you feel after reading this that there really is someone for everyone. Happy hunting.

3 Ways We Refuse To Take Responsibility For Our Lives

low-angle photography of man in the middle of buidligns

Razvan Chisu on Unsplash

It is interesting to me how much power and agency the average middle-class person has and how often they refuse to use it. Power is a strange thing. Most people do not feel powerful. But I believe we choose not to recognize our own agency and abilities because then we would be responsible for using them, and that responsibility is a very frightening thing.

It is more comfortable to blame others for our unhappiness than to acknowledge that we are where we are largely through our own actions. I read something once along the lines of, “We all have what we want most.” That might seem contrary to your experience, but it’s not wrong. Many people would rather be safe than happy. They might say they want to be rich, but what they want is to continue spending money. They might say they want to meet someone and fall in love, but they would rather not risk rejection.

I have three favorite ways of avoiding responsibility in my own life, but I am sure there are many others. I’m sure I do many more that I haven’t realized yet. But I think if I can work on these, I will be a lot closer to where I want to be.

1. Caring more about being right than reaching goals.

This is a big one in every aspect of our lives. Instead of telling people how we want to be treated, we test them and judge them if they get it wrong. If we really want other people to make us happy, we should give them all the information they need to do that. And we should understand that to increase the chances of successfully getting what we want from them, we should not approach the subject as though we are a victim and they have wronged us. It might be true, but that doesn’t mean it will work.

In other areas, this could manifest as refusing to compromise your artistic vision to be successful (which is fine, but expect to be less successful), refusing to ask for opportunities or promotions because other people should realize you deserve them, or insisting on any course of action after it has been shown to not produce the results you want. On some level, people know what to do to get what they want. They just don’t believe they should have to do it.

2. Believing choices that would cause conflict are not options.

How often do we say, “I can’t do x, y, or x,” but we really mean that it would be uncomfortable or cause a conflict with someone else? This sounds like, “I can’t marry the person I want because my family wouldn’t approve,” or, “My husband won’t let me have male friends.” It’s nice that you don’t want to upset people, but you are making a choice. People do not have nearly as much control over you as they would like you to think.

It is not wrong to upset other people or say no. It’s unpleasant, but if you can learn to live with that feeling, you will finally be free.

You might say that you can’t stand up for yourself. But this probably doesn’t mean you can’t, it means that perhaps it makes you very anxious or you start crying. But you can still speak your mind even if you are crying. You do not have to do something perfectly for it to be effective.

Part of the reason why we are reluctant to risk conflict is we don’t have good conflict resolution skills. I personally have spent more of my life focusing on conflict avoidance skills. These boil down to trying to be polite, apologizing quickly, and giving in. To many people, it is a terrifying thing to honor your own wishes knowing that it will upset someone you love. Beneath that is the unspoken belief that they will no longer love you if you have caused them anger. We believe we do not have enough to offer to still be worth it after we have upset them. Which is strange, because the people who usually feel this way are upset by others all the time and still care about them.

The ironic thing is that we would not struggle so much with conflict if we weren’t expecting someone else to fulfill the needs we refuse to meet ourselves. The confrontation becomes weighted and intense because so much relies on the other person responding how we desire. On the flip side, every person who takes responsibility for their own happiness makes it easier for everyone around them to do the same. If I meet my own needs, I will not be upset by what you need to do to meet yours. If I know my boundaries, I will not be torn when you ask me to violate them. I will simply say no, calmly and politely, because what really affects us is feeling powerless. I will be upset by attempts to manipulate me if I fear that they might work. I will be upset by insults if I secretly agree with them. If I know who I am and that I deserve to be happy, I will have no desire to control someone else. (Or at least a significantly decreased desire. No one’s perfect.)

3. Externalizing insecurities and hoping others will fix them.

I have not thought about this one as much as the others, but I think it is still valid. I have noticed that people tend to gravitate towards those who see them the way they see themselves. That’s not inherently negative because hopefully the way you see yourself is not inherently negative. But let’s be realistic. It frequently is.

Instead of facing our self-doubt, we look for someone who doubts us as well and try to win their approval. If we can convince them, maybe this is proof that we should believe it ourselves. And this process only works with people who see the flaws we are self-conscious about.

I see this happen a lot in romantic relationships. People chase those who don’t like them because they don’t like themselves. It’s not very reassuring to prove yourself to someone who already likes you. This person just seems to have low standards to us. No, we want someone perhaps even harsher than ourselves. And this is why we stay with people who are critical and put us down. We think, “If I can get this person who hates x, y, or z about me to think I’m great, imagine how wonderful I must seem to all the people who already thought I was fine.” Perfectionism, the root of a lot of self-esteem issues, wants us to reach a state where we are immune to criticism or disapproval. So no wonder we would be more interested in the people who don’t value us. We really think they can’t exist for us to be okay.

If you value yourself, the whole conflict disappears. When you really, really value yourself, you realize how powerful and capable you are. And you force yourself to act on it even if it might be difficult at first. Growth is not supposed to be comfortable. Think of how much babies cry when they get teeth. But it’s all worth it in the end, because they finally get to eat real food.

How to Use Your Pain to Get Ahead

silhouette photo of man on cliff during sunset

Zac Durant on Unsplash

Life is a traumatic event and everything we do is a coping mechanism. Some coping mechanisms are just more socially acceptable than others.

Some of our greatest triumphs are the result of attempting to escape our suffering. And because that suffering doesn’t go anywhere, we have an endless source of motivation, spurring us on to greater and greater heights. Does it make sense to run from pain when you’ll never escape it? No, not really, but logic doesn’t hold most people back, so don’t let it stop you either.

Society looks down on people who feel like they have a void inside, as if this is due to a lack of personal development. But the natural response to a void is to create or find something to fill it. This, in essence, is productivity. They say necessity is the mother of invention, but maybe it’s deep personal pain. Maybe they’re the same thing.

Before I continue, I would like to say there is a level of pain where you can’t get out of bed, and a slightly lower level of pain, where you get out of bed but spend all day trying to prove your worth. Psychiatrists exist for the first. Paychecks exist because of the second. This article is about aiming for the second, not the first.

Suffering and insecurity are responsible for many of the positive elements in our lives, or even physical things we enjoy. Would obnoxious sports cars exist if poorly-endowed men didn’t? Would Marilyn Monroe’s movie career have happened if her father had loved her? (Daddy issues are responsible for many things on the internet but I’m not going to get into that here.) I for one become funnier when I am tired or unhappy because stress lowers my concern for my dignity.

I believe our innate brokenness is responsible for most of our social relationships. If people were as emotionally self-sufficient as self-love twitter tells us we should be, they wouldn’t connect with others very much. But to triumph over loneliness while remaining alone is not really an admirable goal. If we did not experience pain in being alone, we would have no motivation to tolerate the pain inherent in existing with other people. A problematic level of suffering makes us accept abuse and toxicity just because it’s better than being alone, but a nice, reasonable level of pain pushes us to do scary things like leave the house and speak to other people. I certainly wouldn’t do it if the alternative wasn’t so much worse.

Pain not only gives you friends, it makes you work harder. The only reason I’m writing this blog post at all is because I asked a friend to publicly shame me if I did not publish a post every Thursday. I’m not motivated enough by the desire to improve myself, get somewhere in life, or be successful. I don’t have a clear vision of my future or a lot of self-discipline. But what I do have is an endless reservoir of shame, and it’s time I got something out of it besides insomnia. I doubt I would even have a blog if I genuinely loved myself.

If you are anxious or an overthinker, you are the perfect candidate for this method. My current strategy to avoid having thoughts is to crochet constantly. This has the added benefit of impressing friends and family, a great band-aid on the lack of social acceptance I experienced as a child. The only drawback is severe eyestrain and a return to the migraine medication I haven’t needed since I stopped teaching high school. But everything has a plus side, and painkillers are definitely, definitely not an exception.

How exactly you make your pain work for you depends greatly on your individual methods of suffering. Consider getting therapy to unearth the root causes of your issues so that you can exploit them more adeptly. As a general rule, though, failure of any kind is a push forward because you have less to lose. What you fear has already happened. There’s no way but up. If you continue to fail, at least that’s not as scary as change! Phoebe Buffay covered this topic better than I ever could in this commencement speech.

A few people have asked me what the point is of some of these “self-help” articles I write. After I wrote “Life Hacks For The Emotionally Stunted,” someone remarked, “I don’t feel like I’m supposed to follow this advice.” My purpose is not, actually, to tell anyone how to live correctly. It’s just to make you look at things from a different perspective. Maybe life is not as bad as you think. Maybe it’s actually much worse. You decide.

What Do I Do After I Figure Out What’s Wrong With Me?

gray monkey in bokeh photography

Juan Rumimpuna on Unsplash

I have been thinking about this question for several months now. I’m at a point where I may still be crazy, but I understand it better than ever. I’ve even figured out how it originated too, except for a few bits that can only be attributed to the generosity of God. But I don’t know what to do with this information.

I’ve always been good at sitting and analyzing my problems. Throughout childhood and adolescence, I made numerous lists of traits I wanted to correct about myself. My sister called this feeling sorry for myself, so I made sure to add that to the list. But these lists did not produce long-lasting results. They did, however, produce more lists.

The internet likes to suggest therapy as a catch-all solution for personal issues, and while I am not disagreeing with that, I’ve often wished that people would go further and explain a bit of the magic that is supposed to happen behind the closed doors of a therapist’s office. It’s like telling someone to go to the gym but no one wanting to explain what you’ll do when you get there. Then, when you finally go, you realize you could have done a lot of it in your own home and no one is blaming your parents nearly as much as you were hoping they would.

Anyway. My point is, a lot of self-improvement/healing is either about forcing yourself to be more productive or simply realizing why you have the issues you do. I have a few problems with this. First of all, I have realized many things in my life and failed to act on these realizations in any meaningful way. Second, if forcing yourself worked, people would keep their New Year’s resolutions.

Here is an example I have been thinking about recently. I procrastinate a lot and although it’s not a huge issue, I’d like to fix it. I have read that procrastination is often motivated by perfectionism, which is great, because I always thought it was because I was lazy. PSA to my high school chemistry teacher, former boss, and entire family: I’m not lazy. I’m seeking perfection. Apparently it’s a very thin line.

Anyway, the in-depth explanation for this did resonate with me. But it didn’t make a difference. I just understand why I procrastinate as I continue to do it. So I discussed this with someone recently, hoping for advice, but she did not offer any solution. She just said, “It’s not about fixing every little thing you don’t like about yourself.”

Strangely, I had never thought of it like that before. I didn’t realize that the purpose of gaining insight might just be to have more sympathy for myself and make slightly better decisions, and that that is enough. Insight is not a stepping stone to overhauling my personality.

Maybe healing and improving are not about fighting your nature to become a well-oiled machine. Maybe emotional health doesn’t manifest as effortlessly getting up at 5 AM each day, liking the taste of green smoothies, and becoming a CEO in your free time. Maybe it’s recognizing you hate that and shouldn’t try to bully yourself into becoming a different person.

It’s terrifying to accept that you will always more or less be the way you have always been, that no big change is coming. But I’ve tried to stay in this mindset the past few days, and I’ve found when you free yourself from constant self-shaming, it’s easier to do more of the small things each day that make your life better. Maybe a transformation is more likely to happen when you stop feeling like one is necessary for you to be worthy of self-acceptance.

I will never be the type-A overachiever I see as the embodiment of success (despite never actually liking these people in real life). I may be a bit of a perfectionist but I’m also lazy, and I can’t keep denying that when I check “Contactless Delivery” while ordering food, not because I fear corona but because I don’t want to change out of my pajamas to answer the door. I’m really bad at anything that pays well or involves sports, I’m scared to call people on the phone, and it’s remarkable how long I can stay in one place without moving. But that doesn’t mean someone else with different flaws would have a better life. (On a positive note, I can out-knit your grandma, and I’m really easygoing as long as you don’t get to know me well.)

Somehow, I’ve been thinking all this time that I could not be okay yet if I still have this many faults.

We cling to the idea of some people having perfect lives even though it’s illogical. We know we’re comparing our behind the scenes to their highlight reel, but we do it because we want to believe it can be a reality, and one day maybe our reality. Deep down, the voice inside of us is saying,

Perhaps, if I just do something differently, I will not have to be myself anymore.

I didn’t just write lists of my flaws as a child. I also wrote letters to my future self, as well as dramatic diary entries about various book characters and famous people I wished I were more like. Ironically, I actually did become many of the things I hoped for in these letters (except for popular and married at 17). And I was far more like the people I admired than I knew at the time. But even if I had seen these similarities back then, I wouldn’t have believed in them. And I think that takes us back to the original question. What do I do after I figure out what’s wrong with me?

I think the answer is, put down the scalpel, take a leap of faith, and believe in everything that’s right.

The Way It Is

shallow focus photography of white feather dropping in person's hand — Javardh on Unsplash

I live in my head more than I live any place real. I prefer songs about mountains to actual mountains, the future or past to the present. I mean, I’m in North Carolina right now, and I would rather listen to the song “Carolina in My Mind” and think about being here, than be here.

The goal of spirituality or any other form of self-improvement is, to me, to be able to sit in the now with no distractions and to feel at peace. To be happy with myself without thinking of who I should turn into in the future, to be happy with my present experience without dreaming of what my life needs to become later. I’ve heard that life is what happens while you’re making other plans, but what makes me sad is that life seems to be what happens while you’re trying to think of something else.

It has taken me a long time to realize that ignoring reality does not change it. It sounds obvious, but I don’t think I’m the only person who has tried to overcome problems by pretending they don’t exist or don’t bother me. Shakespeare wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” And there’s nothing the unhealthy part of me likes more than a famous person backing up my denial and other toxic coping mechanisms, but it’s not that simple. A lot of stuff is not in our control. We are given our personalities for better or for worse, and we can think about how we should be one way or another, feel one way or another, and it’s not going to change the truth at all.

You can insist the floor is clean because it should be clean, or you can admit it’s not and get rid of the dirt. What hurts will still hurt even if you tell yourself it doesn’t; what you want deep down you will continue to want even if you think you shouldn’t need it.

I think it requires a lot of self-love to be honest about who you are. We all have reasons to be ashamed of or even to despise ourselves, and you won’t let yourself see the extent of that (to make the best of it) if you don’t believe in your other redeeming qualities. You can’t develop real confidence without self-awareness. The ego is fragile when it’s running from the truth.

There’s no point in running from anything. You won’t end up somewhere better, or anywhere different at all. Why can’t we be happy with what we have? Why is it so hard to admit we have enough? And if we have enough, why are we unhappy?

I like the constancy of reality, though. I can hate someone or love them, and it has nothing to do with whether they deserve either. My feelings are one thing, the other person is probably many different things, and both exist separately from each other. I could be convinced their karma is coming, and they will instead live a happy life. It doesn’t matter what I think.

I hate what I write sometimes because it shows where I’m pretentious or trying too hard or feeling sorry for myself. But I would be all those things whether I wrote about it or not, and it would probably be obvious to everyone else anyway. It just doesn’t matter.

It is what it is. It will continue to be. There’s no point in pretending we aren’t fucked up because we are, everyone is, so what? That’s nothing new to the world. The ocean has watched us have the same problems for thousands of years.

I could go outside and breathe in the fresh air and smile, or sit inside myself and worry about my weight and if I was right about x, y, and z—and forget that I’m not that important. Or remember it and be free. We want to be something and important and special and why? It doesn’t change that we still are nothing more than what we are. We tell stories about our lives but it doesn’t change that story or no story, it all exists just as it is.

I could worry about whether I ought to publish this and what someone reading it would think (and I will a little bit), but not putting it out there doesn’t change my thoughts, who I am, or how many people might find both me and my thoughts obnoxious. I think we are unhappy because we hide from the truth. We think keeping ourselves from being exposed to it somehow changes it. But the truth is our friend. It’s us, when we put the blinders on and hide from life, who are not.