quarantine – Half-Blood Kuwaiti

Let’s Be Marginally More Positive

persons hand doing peace sign

Only marginally, because excessive positivity is annoying and anxiety-inducing. Either things aren’t actually that good (annoying), or they are and God knows that can’t last (anxiety-inducing).

It feels selfish to talk about any personal benefits I’ve experienced from the corona pandemic when it has caused harm to so many others, but I need to be grateful, and I thought it might be a nice change from the usual stuff I write. I am lucky. Very lucky. Isolation may have eroded parts of my mind that I was once quite attached to, but that isn’t important. Today I’m going to count my blessings. Here is a non-exhaustive list of ways quarantine has benefitted me.

I have learned to appreciate the little things, like staying out past 6, not fearing the outdoors, and how good food tastes when it is prepared by literally anyone else besides me. On really dark days, I miss going to work.

I have an airtight excuse not to kiss my relatives for at least two years. Maybe the whole custom of cheek-kissing will die completely. I have never understood what pleasure I am supposed to derive from it, and if I started actively enjoying it, people would get very uncomfortable. So really, what is the point?

I have been forced to confront mental health problems I might have otherwise ignored. This is definitely 100% a positive thing! No drawbacks whatsoever! Without corona, I could have gone years without realizing I was crazy. That would have been dreadful. Truly, this was the biggest benefit of all.

My parents finally have a good reason to be glad I didn’t make it in medical school. Instead of risking my health and theirs working in a hospital, I’m at home, binge-watching TV shows made by people who have actually done something with their lives, and therefore come in contact with more germs. Corona has lowered the bar for underachieving children everywhere. I may not be rich, successful, or particularly well-educated, but I’m alive. At a time like this, what more could you ask for?

Face masks are cheaper than the nose job I occasionally consider.

I’ve learned new and exciting ways to bond with my family members. The most effective method I’ve found so far is to encourage them to complain about each other to me. Quarantine has given us lots to work with there, and annoyance with others is the common thread uniting humanity. I read in a book that the term for this is “triangulation,” and it is not healthy. Perhaps not. But it works and it’s not going to permanently damage my lungs, so I don’t see the problem.

I’ve gotten much more comfortable with how I look without makeup. I used to hide my face behind glasses if I wasn’t wearing eyeliner, and now I think putting on clothes is the most the world should ask of me. Plus, my makeup is now the wrong color. Corona has taught me to be grateful for the tan I never knew I used to have.

My relationship with my cat has flourished in direct proportion to the degree my connection with the outside world has crumbled. In other words, we have become very close. She’s one of the few beings I know that is needier than I am. I used to think her erratic behavior was due to my not spending more time with her, but now I realize she’s just crazy. It’s comforting to not be the only one.

The Lockdown Is Over and So Am I

a black silhouette of a woman

Molly Belle on Unsplash

It is interesting to me that so little is technically going on right now, but everything is happening.

Relationships are ending, lives have been turned upside down, and people are seeking therapy at alarming rates. Putting aside the legitimate tragedies some people are experiencing, why is isolation so disastrous? I guess we don’t notice that our minds are not a nice place to live normally because we avoid living there. We go out into the world and try to experience something other than ourselves. Now we cannot do that.

We distract ourselves and then claim we are too busy to go after the lives we want. “I just don’t have the time,” we said. “Here you go,” said God. “No,” we say, “not like this.” The truth is, the busier you are the more you end up doing. When you get used to constantly having a task, it feels odd to not have one. Now we have nothing and struggle to do anything. It’s inertia or something like that.

What have I used this time for? For one thing, I have combed through my behavior and mistakes over the last 10 years in depth, and I have decided to cancel myself. Unfortunately, just like most cancelled people, I am still very much here.

I have tried to convince myself that wasting 70% of my time is not that bad because 30% of my free time is a lot more than it used to be. So I should be getting more done. I have also tried to convince myself that I only waste 70% of my time.

I have concocted an elaborate theory about how autocorrect starts acting up around the full moon. I have also come up with something called The Ben and Jerry’s Diet, where you live on one carton per day. Each pint is roughly 1200 calories, so logically, you would lose weight. It’s like the Subway diet, except more fun and with better long-term marketing prospects because I’m not a pedophile.

It’s not that I haven’t done anything useful. It’s just with all this time it is painfully clear what could be and how much what is falls short. We have been given the gift of time and we don’t know what to do with gifts. We are better at surviving in the face of hardship than enjoying blessings. Studies show that humans create their own problems when they don’t have any, and I am expecting these scientists to show up at my door any day now and request to examine my brain when I die. Would that make my suicide worth it for the greater good? Haha. Anyway.

I don’t have a solution. All I can say is forgive yourself, maybe. Whatever you’re going through right now, I feel like that is relevant. Forgive yourself for not living up to the standard they tell you it’s unforgiveable not to meet. Forgive yourself for having messier problems than other people seem to have, because they struggle with the same thing or worse but they’re too ashamed to talk about it. Forgive yourself for not being born smarter or prettier. Forgive yourself for wanting what “emotionally healthy” people are supposed to be too self-sufficient and self-loving to want. Forgive yourself for not living up to the terrible burden of “potential.”

We do not live in forgiving times. Sometimes it seems like people are praised for how much they condemn. I think women especially struggle with this because for so long they were told to put up with everything for the sake of having a husband or keeping their family together, and now the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, where tolerating anything is a sign of weakness. But you can’t genuinely accept yourself without accepting others. And if your goal is to accept another person, you can’t do that without accepting yourself either.

At the end of the day, we are all we have. And, for better or for worse, that is clearer now than ever before. Maybe that’s why everyone is so upset.

In Defense of Binge-Watching Television

black flat screen tv turned on displaying 11

Mollie Sivaram on Unsplash

Ever since childhood, I’ve had a wide variety of interests. Skimming through the books in my old room takes me back to some of the phases I went through: Origami Magic, HTML in a Week, How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Ballroom Dancing, Ballet for Dummies. On an unrelated note, I may have also had low self-esteem.

Most of these interests did not go anywhere. I revisited Origami Magic recently, thinking it might be easier for me now than it was in first grade, only to find I had actually regressed. I still haven’t learned to spin wool even though I bought a spindle in 2016, and as you might have guessed, very few people learn how to dance from books. My career as a pianist lost steam around the time I saw a four-year-old Chinese boy play the hardest song I knew better than me. I thought recently about what I had actually stuck with long-term, and a common theme emerged. I have become really good at hobbies that can be done while watching TV.

The TV, our most devoted quarantine friend, has been the subject of considerable criticism. It’s been accused of wasting our time, ruining our morals, and turning our children into idiots. I once had a parent claim it was why her son hit me and chased me with a pair of scissors. “Too much television,” she sighed. (I had a slightly different theory.)

Maybe we are just looking at it too negatively. The TV is a valuable tool–if we just understand how to use it properly. It actually benefits us in many ways.

It immobilizes people, for one thing. Especially children. Anything that keeps a child still, in one place, without warranting a call to Child Services, can’t be all bad. But even adults benefit from sitting. I Love Lucy was so popular in the 1950s that the crime rate in New York went down when it was on the air. Mobile adults go to war, take advantage of the working class, and accidentally impregnate each other. If more time were spent Netflixing than chilling, the world would be a considerably less sinful place. Studies show that couples with TVs in their bedrooms get less action. And less action is exactly what God wants you to have.

On a serious note, you actually will amp up your productivity if you can combine repetitive activities with television. If you want to learn something new, consider knitting or crocheting just because of how TV-friendly they are. Know thyself, and therefore aim low. Use TV to motivate you to exercise, attempt a tedious recipe (like stuffed grape leaves), or do housework. Get creative with finding ways to do your usual activities from the sofa. Watching TV from exciting new positions is a great way to start doing yoga. Is your favorite show just as good upside down? Let’s find out!

It may be sad that we find it so difficult to focus on one thing at a time these days, but does feeling bad about that somehow improve your attention span? No. So accept it and use it to your advantage. Sometimes the way to accomplish more is to numb out your brain.

TV quiets your mind, or kills it, as my mother would say. But that’s not all bad. There is an old joke that says the only reason you believe your brain is the most important organ in your body is because your brain is telling you that. The truth is, your brain is overrated. Even my brain is overrated. How many problems do we create for ourselves by worrying, ruminating, or coming up with excuses? All of these things are functions of the brain. Sometimes the answer is to think less.

Television gives you that. It gives you temporary reprieve from the agonies of your mind. And it isn’t simply a distraction, a way to deny reality until you finally turn it off. Stories help us cope with the hardships in our lives, no matter what form they come in. They give our struggles meaning and teach us to believe in happy endings. When times are really bad, we need the most easily accessible types of stories to comfort us. You might not feel like reading Dickens or Tolstoy when you get divorced or find out your parents never wanted you to be born. But you will turn on the TV.

Most sitcoms deal with topics that are very serious, but we laugh about them. This is their magic. If the characters we love can laugh through a tragedy, it tells us that maybe we can too.

At the end of the day, I even believe TV can motivate people to succeed. At some point, after spending hours watching other people do stuff, you’re going to want to do something of your own. Project Runway makes me sew more, cooking shows make me cook and consequently eat more, which is precisely why I don’t watch them. You will want to do what you see. One of the reasons we watch TV is because it is aspirational. It shows us who we could be, in another life with good lighting and makeup men. If you are confused about who you are, look at what you like to watch. Look at the characters you love. What speaks to you and makes you keep watching long after your backside gets sore and your eyes burn? Don’t, however, take it too literally. Liking Breaking Bad does not mean your destiny lies in drugs. But it could mean you desire more adventure in your life. I’ve always gravitated towards heartwarming comedies because adventure and action are exactly what I don’t want. I want security and positive relationships. And, after I watch The X Factor, to be wildly famous.

In a nutshell, how can you discover your life purpose, finally start working out, and conquer the intrusive thoughts in your head about how you’re a stain on the reputation of your family? It’s easier than you think. Just watch more television.

Life Hacks for the Emotionally Stunted

person showing thumb

Katya Austin on Unsplash

Work smart, not hard. This is what I tell myself as I do not work at all. The Age of Corona is upon us, and this means isolation, loneliness, and the absence of all routine except that which we impose upon ourselves. For most of us, that’s not good.

“I finally have the time to chase my dreams,” you might have said when it all started. Little did you know your deepest desire is not actually to succeed in life, but to have a really satisfying excuse for why you didn’t. Corona ravages our bodies, but free time ravages our veneers. I listen to my neighbor’s marriage disintegrate through the walls. I listen to my mother tell me that at least she cleaned the bathroom sink today. I listen to my cute friend ask me if she really resembles a turkey or if she just needs to stop looking in the mirror. We are all falling apart.

Deep down, nobody is really that evolved. The problem with most self-help is that it forgets that. It aims too high. I never have that problem. So here are some tips I have developed to help you cope with the emergence of your lower self.

Is that housework really necessary?

Did you know that housework, traditionally women’s work, was designed to be time-consuming and inefficient to keep your wife at home and away from other men who might impregnate her? (Source Unavailable.) Don’t fall for this. Fight the patriarchy. We inherit chores like traditions, not realizing there is a better way.

Take changing bedsheets, for example. Fitted sheets are difficult to change, and no one knows how to fold them. These two problems can be killed with one stone. To begin, collect all of your fitted sheets. Place them on your mattress, each one over the other. It is more work at one time, but it has bought you months of relaxation. Whenever you need clean sheets, remove one. The same method can be applied to pillowcases. To prepare your bed for 6-12 months of clean sheets, buy them in varying sizes since the outermost layers will need to be larger. This may also trick the cashier into thinking you have a spouse and children. Congratulations!

Pro Level: Buy a top-loading washing machine. Change your sheets without leaving your bed and toss them into the washer. Because of its resemblance to basketball, this counts as a workout.

Pit your demons against each other.

You will never be perfect. So why bother trying, or, more accurately, considering it without putting forth any effort? The outcome is more important than your intentions, and a better outcome is often achieved not by erasing flaws but by developing new ones. For example, are you fighting to keep your weight under control in quarantine? Don’t develop discipline! Instead, become too lazy to feed yourself. Create difficulties to decrease your motivation to eat fattening food. Buy fresh ingredients that require cooking, so you can watch them mold while you lose weight. Change your debit card number and place your wallet too far from the sofa for ordering food to be worth the journey. Sleep so much that you are only awake during curfew, when government forces can be relied on to keep you away from takeout. Worst case scenario, block your refrigerator door with dumbbells. If you give in to temptation, at least you will have done some strength-training.

This concept has a myriad of other applications. For example, are you a jealous, vindictive person? Do you struggle to wish others well and/or take great delight in revenge? Don’t waste time fighting these impulses. Instead, try to become too much of a coward to act on any of your desires, good or bad. Alternatively, work on being too dumb and incompetent to inflict any real harm even when you try your best.

Pro Level: Determine which deadly sins you possess and how they might interact with each other. Place bets on which ones will win each day. Try to involve younger siblings and siphon away their allowances.

Alleviate stress created by working from home.

Attempting to work from home can create all sorts of issues. Not only does it become harder to do your job, the increased scrutiny placed on you to prove you deserve to earn a salary in these conditions can be nerve-wracking. Probably you never did much under normal circumstances. How can you pretend to work when no one is around to watch?

Relax. Working from home is really just crying in your own bathroom. Stop focusing on your employer and utilize your talent for pretending to be busy with your family instead. To balance out the excess of bonding going on because of quarantine, claim you have Zoom meetings during mealtimes or “game nights.” Rebrand your bedroom as your office. Refuse to let anyone in without an appointment. This is your chance to become the important executive your parents always hoped you would be.

Pro Level: Hire an attractive secretary for your new “office.” Because some people have lost their jobs due to the pandemic, convince yourself this is charity, not exploitation.

Embrace unexpected skills.

Were you going to write a book during quarantine? Learn to play an instrument? Don’t worry that this didn’t pan out. Instead be encouraged by this truth: You don’t resist all work. You resist important, meaningful work.

The next time you find yourself being unmotivated and unproductive, realize that the problem is not you (maybe). The problem is your goals. Consider trying one of the following instead:

Bake brownies. In mugs. In the microwave.
Plan your wedding in detail to someone you’ve never met.
Brush up on your karaoke skills. You may find yourself more inclined to do this in the middle of the night. Follow your muse.
Research what really tore apart Brangelina.
KonMari your underwear drawer. Do your boxers spark joy? This is a great exercise for getting in touch with your feelings.

Pro Level: Acceptance of ruined plans and shattered hopes is very zen. If you complete this step with enthusiasm, you are likely to become a spiritual person. This is also a good excuse if depression has driven you to stop washing your hair.

Happy Quarantine.