Work smart, not hard. This is what I tell myself as I do not work at all. The Age of Corona is upon us, and this means isolation, loneliness, and the absence of all routine except that which we impose upon ourselves. For most of us, that’s not good.
“I finally have the time to chase my dreams,” you might have said when it all started. Little did you know your deepest desire is not actually to succeed in life, but to have a really satisfying excuse for why you didn’t. Corona ravages our bodies, but free time ravages our veneers. I listen to my neighbor’s marriage disintegrate through the walls. I listen to my mother tell me that at least she cleaned the bathroom sink today. I listen to my cute friend ask me if she really resembles a turkey or if she just needs to stop looking in the mirror. We are all falling apart.
Deep down, nobody is really that evolved. The problem with most self-help is that it forgets that. It aims too high. I never have that problem. So here are some tips I have developed to help you cope with the emergence of your lower self.
- Is that housework really necessary?
Did you know that housework, traditionally women’s work, was designed to be time-consuming and inefficient to keep your wife at home and away from other men who might impregnate her? (Source Unavailable.) Don’t fall for this. Fight the patriarchy. We inherit chores like traditions, not realizing there is a better way.
Take changing bedsheets, for example. Fitted sheets are difficult to change, and no one knows how to fold them. These two problems can be killed with one stone. To begin, collect all of your fitted sheets. Place them on your mattress, each one over the other. It is more work at one time, but it has bought you months of relaxation. Whenever you need clean sheets, remove one. The same method can be applied to pillowcases. To prepare your bed for 6-12 months of clean sheets, buy them in varying sizes since the outermost layers will need to be larger. This may also trick the cashier into thinking you have a spouse and children. Congratulations!
Pro Level: Buy a top-loading washing machine. Change your sheets without leaving your bed and toss them into the washer. Because of its resemblance to basketball, this counts as a workout.
- Pit your demons against each other.
You will never be perfect. So why bother trying, or, more accurately, considering it without putting forth any effort? The outcome is more important than your intentions, and a better outcome is often achieved not by erasing flaws but by developing new ones. For example, are you fighting to keep your weight under control in quarantine? Don’t develop discipline! Instead, become too lazy to feed yourself. Create difficulties to decrease your motivation to eat fattening food. Buy fresh ingredients that require cooking, so you can watch them mold while you lose weight. Change your debit card number and place your wallet too far from the sofa for ordering food to be worth the journey. Sleep so much that you are only awake during curfew, when government forces can be relied on to keep you away from takeout. Worst case scenario, block your refrigerator door with dumbbells. If you give in to temptation, at least you will have done some strength-training.
This concept has a myriad of other applications. For example, are you a jealous, vindictive person? Do you struggle to wish others well and/or take great delight in revenge? Don’t waste time fighting these impulses. Instead, try to become too much of a coward to act on any of your desires, good or bad. Alternatively, work on being too dumb and incompetent to inflict any real harm even when you try your best.
Pro Level: Determine which deadly sins you possess and how they might interact with each other. Place bets on which ones will win each day. Try to involve younger siblings and siphon away their allowances.
- Alleviate stress created by working from home.
Attempting to work from home can create all sorts of issues. Not only does it become harder to do your job, the increased scrutiny placed on you to prove you deserve to earn a salary in these conditions can be nerve-wracking. Probably you never did much under normal circumstances. How can you pretend to work when no one is around to watch?
Relax. Working from home is really just crying in your own bathroom. Stop focusing on your employer and utilize your talent for pretending to be busy with your family instead. To balance out the excess of bonding going on because of quarantine, claim you have Zoom meetings during mealtimes or “game nights.” Rebrand your bedroom as your office. Refuse to let anyone in without an appointment. This is your chance to become the important executive your parents always hoped you would be.
Pro Level: Hire an attractive secretary for your new “office.” Because some people have lost their jobs due to the pandemic, convince yourself this is charity, not exploitation.
- Embrace unexpected skills.
Were you going to write a book during quarantine? Learn to play an instrument? Don’t worry that this didn’t pan out. Instead be encouraged by this truth: You don’t resist all work. You resist important, meaningful work.
The next time you find yourself being unmotivated and unproductive, realize that the problem is not you (maybe). The problem is your goals. Consider trying one of the following instead:
- Bake brownies. In mugs. In the microwave.
- Plan your wedding in detail to someone you’ve never met.
- Brush up on your karaoke skills. You may find yourself more inclined to do this in the middle of the night. Follow your muse.
- Research what really tore apart Brangelina.
- KonMari your underwear drawer. Do your boxers spark joy? This is a great exercise for getting in touch with your feelings.
Pro Level: Acceptance of ruined plans and shattered hopes is very zen. If you complete this step with enthusiasm, you are likely to become a spiritual person. This is also a good excuse if depression has driven you to stop washing your hair.
Happy Quarantine.
Half-Blood Kuwaiti 
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